Fighting My Inclinations

I hope some time to write a blog post on the Mexico Mission Trip sometime soon. I will have one up for sure because I have to write an reflection about it and submit it to my mission leaders. I’ll have to get on that soon.

I would however, like to share shortly about something that I had to struggle against when I was in Tecate, Mexico. I know that I have a knee-jerk reaction to things very cliche or overused. My reasons for this reaction and my opposition to the use of such phrases aside, I think that sometimes the downfall of this is that I do not let myself completely absorb things that I should, nor am I vulnerable enough for them to impact me the way they should. Instead, my heart can be come cold, hard, and numb.

I saw a lot of poverty in Tecate, Mexico. Everyday when we drove from our living quarters to the work sites I was stunned by the way people were living just across the border. The poverty of the town really reflected the state of the people as well – most of them had lost all their money trying to get to the border by failing to cross into America.

With nothing left, they try to make some sort of a life in Tecate. Houses with less square footage than my room at my home in Rowland Heights made of nothing but cinderblocks and plywood roofs. 4-5 people in that house. And more, but I won’t go into the details.

It was a struggle for me to let myself absorb all of these details and let them shake my soul. With the taste of social justice activism that I encountered in high school, the proliferation of such clubs in Berkeley’s campus in the tradition of such activism, and an even further growing trend of people picking up on social justice issues, I really let those things become just another cliche. “Let’s raise awareness!” became one of my most hated phrases (that is for another post).

I found that in Tecate, faced with such a picture of reality, I could no longer allow myself to become numb or cold to poverty or respond in an attitude of false sophistication to it. I think working with the children of the community everyday struck me in very deep ways. And so I realized that I had to continuously fight my emotional inclination to revert to a numbness towards the very examples of poverty in front of me.

I have found in the last few months of sophomore year that I am too often controlled by my emotions. In SK1 I did this exercise where I looked at different areas in my life and evaluated the way I made decisions in those areas. I believe out of 5 sections, I could only put “Scripture” in 1 area, “Intellect” in 1 area, but I had to put “Feelings” into 3 areas. I was very tempted to put Intellect instead of Feelings into those areas, but in all honesty I realized that the way I was feeling often swung the way I was thinking.

Now, back at home, I was shocked and stunned to learn of the situation in Haiti. Today we prayed for Haiti in prayer meeting and Kelly said something very challenging to me:

“Even though we are thousands of miles away, that does not mean this has nothing to do with us.”

It was a reminder for me to not simply let my emotions drive my inclinations. It was a reminder for me to cling onto the Word of God and to my God to remind, push, convict, and strengthen me. It helped me to become genuinely saddened over the 500,000 lives lost in Haiti. And I don’t know when was the last time I felt genuinely sad towards a distant tragedy.

So here I am, facing the new year and taking this entire month to think about what I want to dedicate myself to and what spiritual disciplines to grow in. And here I am, hoping to mature by letting “Scripture” be the lead in my entire life. Hoping to be able to fight against my emotional defaults and try to find the appropriate, reality-embracing, truth-desiring, God-glorifying response to what comes up in my life.

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