First Thoughts of Sophomore Year

Well, there’s always the obligatory blog post one must write before school starts. Unfortunately things got a bit hectic the few days before I came home, and I never got around to it. If I found myself with time to write an entry, I decided to journal about it instead. But, for now, writing this entry feels like an appropriate step to take, because I really want to share what’s been going on this first week of my sophomore year of college.

I don’t even know how I’m supposed to start this. I’ve barely done any homework – that fact alone itches at the back of my mind and constantly makes me want to forget about writing about this blog. But procrastination rules at the moment.

Weakness

It’s a common desire for students to renew their commitment to academics once school starts. We want to start off our semester/quarter strong, studying, not procrastinating, not wasting time, and having stable, healthy relationships and valued activities. But even before that semester started for me, God showed me not Strength or Inspiration but Weakness.

Weakness within my family, Weakness within myself, Weakness within the relationships I hold with friends, Weakness within the church, Weakness of my intellect, Weakness of my emotional stability, Weakness in the self control of my anger, Weakness in my patience, Weakness in my character, Weakness in my integrity, Weakness in the very foundations of who I am and why.

It was on an important day of transitions – my sister working and living in Downtown LA, my parents moving into a next phase in their business, my brother starting high school, my cousin starting school in USC – that God exposed weakness. On a day in which the family hoped for the family to be strong together, on a day in which friends hoped to be strong for each other, on a day in which support is most needed, God showed me loneliness, meaningless pondering, and disappointment.

Interestingly, my entire mindset going into sophomore year dealt with the concept of “Strength.” Not just strength academically, but strength spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Strength integrated into every aspect of my life. Improvement. Growth. A building said to be structurally sound is said to have structural integrity.

Yet, despite how positive these first few days have been, and despite how optimistic my personality is naturally inclined, I can’t help but experience weakness. When I am alone, weak. When I am with others, weak. When I am in conversation, weak. When I am in activity, weak. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed (already!) or disappointed, frustrated and even at times disillusioned.

I had a very intense talk with my room mate Samuel Oh yesterday night. We spoke for about 3 hours from 1am-4am. We became very open in sharing our frustrations with the amazing church we attend, our disappointments in our own Christian experiences, our intellectual struggles, our emotional and spiritual difficulties, and though we are very different people, we both reached a point in recognizing the “impossibility” of the goals of Christianity, of Jesus’ vision for the church, of God’s Kingdom fully fulfilled. We ended the conversation in prayer, in weakness, in uncertainty, in desperation towards God.

Even now I’m not sure what to make of this. All I know is that I have experienced much weakness. All I know is that I am so, so small, and yet on these small shoulders I carry enormous dreams and visions because of Jesus Christ. I am so, so small, and this small life surrendered to God seems to do little.

How so very much I recognize my need for my Savior. How so very much I recognize that my yoke I bear is heavy, and that sometimes I stubbornly chain myself to this yoke. Sometimes, this yoke has been borne in such independence that I have convinced myself that I can bear this burden, yet in true reflection, I see the injuries and wounds I have sustained in carrying this weight on my own.

How so very much I need You, Jesus.

Everything Works Out

A common response to the experience of weakness and hardship is to push forward. We give ourselves pep talks, we somehow build up our strength, we talk to others, and we push forward, push forward, push forward. Subconsciously these actions work towards an idea that “Everything Will Work Out.” Numerous self-help books and inspirational speakers help us to see optimistically and point us towards a point where “Everything Will Work Out.”

What to make of this cliche?

I myself have an inherent abhorrence towards cliches and a rejection of the truth of these cliches.

On one hand, I consider this quote to be extremely immature. Why? In fact, aren’t all cliches immature in that they do not fully encompass life experience but attempt to sum it up and generalize it so as to make “profound” remarks? It is then, perhaps my fault and flaw in rejecting the truth of these cliches instead of attempting to mature the understanding and expression of them, both in myself, and others.

As a Christian, and through (hopefully) biblical perspective, I would like to try to mature this concept – that “Everything Will Work Out.” I would make the claim that many Christians today have a worldview framework in which their individual faith is less based in their faith in God but in their faith in this cliche. Life tends to work this way, so it will continue to. Thus, when hardship and difficulty are experienced, their mindset and goal is to push forward towards the ideal “Everything will work out” situation. That “Work Out” image is the close heaven they have in mind.

I would say then, that this is an immature response towards hardship and experience, and claim the maturation of this cliche is but another cliche.

One’s goal when experiencing hardship and experience is to grow. The deal is, there is no 100% assurance that “Everything Will Work Out.” In the Christian worldview, there is no 100% assurance of this in the immediate sense (although there is when we look in the long term claims and hopes in Christian beliefs). However, there is 100% assurance that God will be there for you. That one can have immense joy in the most intense of suffering. That one can have a tremendous sense of peace in the most chaotic of storms. But there is not necessarily a promise that “Everything Will Work Out.” In fact, the very opposite is more often promised. Suffering will come.

I have experienced much weakness very recently. My goal is not to reach the point of “Everything Will Work Out,” nor do I expect “Everything to Work Out.” But do you know what I do expect? I expect that God is still good, and that He has not left me, that He continues to guide me. I expect that my brothers and sisters in Christ will continue to support me as I support them. I expect that even if my life never fully “Works Out,” though I become bitter, angry, and hostile, God will be ever patient with me.

I have reasonable evidence to believe this to be so. I have faith.
I do not claim to know, although I would reject the claim that one must experience in order to truly know.

But I will say that there is greater reason for me to believe things will follow this trend, and that there is lesser reason for me to believe things will follow an opposite trend. Even as “Nothing Works Out,” as a Christian, that does not matter, for what control do I have? Very little. I leave the logistics of that to God, and do what I can. But as a Christian, even as “Nothing Works Out,” to hold steadfast to the only promise of that which “Works Out” – a life surrendered wholly to a good and gracious God.

Disclaimers

I have already begun in my own mind to argue against the many general claims I have made in this web entry. If you, the reader, responds negatively towards my claims, I would not blame you, and even in some cases, agree with you. But I hope you will understand, to a point, whichever point I am making.

Please, any Christians reading this, let me know if I’ve been a heretic.

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